Bathing, Diapering and Dressing...

So here Brittiny and I sit here on the couch timing her contractions (45 secs) and watching a video on caring for a newborn child. Yeah, seeing that Brittiny might now be actually going in to labor we thought it was time to end the procrastination and watch the "Newborn Child" video courtesy of Yale New Haven hospital. Here are some of the highlights from the video that was filmed circa 1972...

Chapter 1: Your baby's appearance... your baby will obviously be a baby, so there will really no way that you'll confuse her with, say, your bookshelf or an air conditioner. (I'm not even sure what purpose this chapter of the video served).

Chapter 2: Breastfeeding... okay, so this isn't as simple as one might suspect. A nursing mother can't just unleash a breast and expect her baby to navigate her own way to milky satisfaction. There's a lot of technique involved. As with a solid, repeatable golf swing, sound mechanics go a long way with breastfeeding. There are even breastfeeding coaches, or 'Lactation Consultants', that specialize in breast maintenance for maximum milk production. Also, after a baby has drunk her fill, you have to whack her on the back until she yaks all over you... man, this baby thing is sounding better every minute.

Chapter 3: Sleeping... about all I got out of this segment is that newborns never sleep. All of the parents in the video looked like hell. Don't drive around in your car to put your kid to sleep. If you baby is very fussy, anxious and difficult to comfort, you should either read her some Garrison Keillor or give her a cigarette, as both tend to soothe frazzled nerves.

Chapter 4: Baths... you should wash your baby with water and baby soap. Be sure to wash in between all of the folds of your baby's chubby bod. You should next rub alcohol around the umbilical cord area (Heineken works best). Rinse, dry and immediately dress your baby in a clean, pressed shirt.

Chapter 5: Diapering... most babies are unable to use a toilet for at least a few months. The solution to this messy problem is apparently to make your baby wear a "diaper". For those of you who have never seen one, their design is similar to a feedbag that you strap to a horse, but trust me, that's not hay in there! Seriously, though, the baby's 1st BM looks like tar, called meconium. My buddy Tim told me that he spent a whole box of wet wipes on Avery's first poopie. He later used this self-same poopie to patch some holes in his fishing boat.

Chapter 6: Crib Safety... every baby should be able to go home and chill in her crib. There should be no pillows in the crib. Also no posers should be allowed near the crib, thus maintaining the crib's chill nature.

Well, that's about all the Yale New Haven educational video had to offer, but it was perfect for expectant mothers/fathers like Brittiny and me. Although Brittiny is a 4th yr medical student, she is clueless when it comes to Motherhood. Fair enough, since she s never been a mother. Anyhow, we are both so excited to welcome Baby Brooklyn into the world!