"What if a Siberian Tiger and a Gorilla got in a fight... who would win?"
"What if a Polar Bear and a Kodiak Bear got in a fight... who would win?"
"What if a Mountain Lion and Geraldo's mustache got in a fight... who would win?"
I know, if you're a guy you've lost sleep on some of these very questions; hours you could have been watching re-runs of Small Wonder on TVLand but instead were left to the machinations of a mind occupied by unlikely animal brawls. Well, Wild Animal Fight Club attempts to end these sleepless nights. Here are a few highlights:
Gorilla vs. Tiger
"If a Silverback Gorilla were to ever be pitted against a Siberian Tiger, both animals would be cautious in making the first move. The Gorilla would try to stand as large as possible, pound its chest, and yell as loud as it could in order to try and scare off the Tiger. This plan would backfire and insight the cautious tiger into attacking. The huge cat would pounce straight for the Ape's throat. With the Gorilla caught off guard the Tiger is able to avoid the Gorilla's powerful arms and get inside. The Gorilla ferociously tries to bite at the Tiger, but its too late. The Tiger sticks its four inch canine teeth through the neck of the Gorilla and the fight is over."
One could mull over a pithier question: how could a Tiger from Siberia fight a Gorilla from Africa? Perhaps the two meet due to a freak gorilla-cage & tiger-enclosure malfunction at the San Diego Zoo. Or they are unknowingly dating the same Gazelle and she gets her days confused, fatally inviting them both over for movie-night.
Also, I love how the author predicts the Gorilla's "plan would backfire", as if the Gorilla had thought about the possibility it might one day have to fight a tiger and formulated a defense plan. Seriously, I've been to Hogle Zoo enough to know Gorilla's basically sit around and pick at their butts all day. I doubt their colons contain any "Operation Siberian Tiger" contingencies.
Lion vs. Tiger
"First of all for this fight we will use the Bengal Tiger, instead of the much larger Siberian Tiger, so we can give the poor Lion a chance. The fact is that the Lion still would have no shot. The Tiger is just a far superior animal. It is stronger and faster. It hunts bigger prey and doesn't need the help of something called a pride. Pride? The Lion should be ashamed."
The author doesn't know the difference between incite and insight, but he can differentiate prey from pray.
And conspicuously absent: A Shark riding on an Elephant's back.
5 comments:
...just stomping and eating everything in their path...
These are some of Shawn's favoirte things on the internet, next to Star Wars. Once a boy...
You really haven't grown up very much have you?
I so remember those late night conversations about what combinations of animals would best what other combination of animals in a fight. Sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads, pal, those are the winners, always.
Thanks for the link. Its tough to write about this stuff at higher than a 3rd grade level trust me. The fights themselves just get people riled up and coming back.
I did enjoy your last line though.
Tip: If you held this blog on your own domain it would be found by a lot more people (assuming that's what your going for). Right now your SEO credit and Page Rank are being attributed to BlogSpot.
You've been waiting all your life for a websight (I thought this word appropriate for the topic) like this, haven't you?
"Seriously, I've been to Hogle Zoo enough to know Gorilla's basically sit around and pick at their butts all day. I doubt their colons contain any "Operation Siberian Tiger" contingencies."
Don't denigrate the Gorilla's planning abilities. He has an economic "bailout" plan coming this week.
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